I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
