So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
people are starting to question the shark bite story
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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