when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
