It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
