rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
