If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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