Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
