I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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