Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
