I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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