I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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