Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
