eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
