At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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