I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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