do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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