She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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