I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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