The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
