If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
