someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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