If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize