He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
