really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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