My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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