Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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