My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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