Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
