The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
