Rock
Scissors
Fuck
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
