Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
