I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
