you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
