She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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