it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
