if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
