I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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