there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
