I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
