he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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