I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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