I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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