Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just pee around me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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