i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
