He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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