Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
