There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
