i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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