on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
