the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
