Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
