I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
