Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
