Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
