This is not my ceiling
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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