There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize