Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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