She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize